Whats Your Bitch?!?

Elvis has left the building.

Tags: Life in General // 5 Comments »

I read a lot of stupid and bizarre news stories.  This one popped up on my Treo Monday morning.  I was standing in the Acura dealer waiting for them to fix a flat tire when I got alerted of the story.  As I read it I couldn’t help but laugh.  It’s so stupid you can’t help but to laugh.  Here’s the story in its entirety:

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESSPublished: February 18, 2008

Filed at 10:47 p.m. ET

FONTANA, Calif. (AP) — A hunger for carnitas nearly led to some carnage after a Fontana man was robbed of a bag of tacos at gunpoint. Police Sergeant Jeff Decker said the 35-year-old victim had just bought about $20 in tacos from a street-corner stand Sunday night and was bicycling home when the suspect confronted him and said ”Give me your tacos.”Decker said the suspect grabbed the bag of food, punched the victim in the face and began to flee.When the victim demanded his tacos back, the suspect pointed what appeared to be a handgun at the man and threatened to kill him before running away.

******** Information from: Inland Valley Daily Bulletin, http://www.dailybulletin.com

 I know that being human as a species that we are on the top of the food chain.  This guy has to have the honor of being on top of the top. 

I swear…people are becoming more insane by the minute.  I also know how I am when it comes to food.  I’d say “Kill me.” 

I do have to admit though that my first thought on this was “I wonder if this guy was also smart enough to hold up someone coming out of CVS carrying Alka-Seltzer.”

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Tags: Life in General // 2 Comments »

They named the show right.  Although I shouldn’t be commenting on the show without really knowing enough about it to comment on.  But I have never been able to sit and watch more than a minute or two. 

The pain.  The suffering.  The anguish.  All for no reason.  I don’t mean the characters’ pain, suffering, and anguish.  I don’t give a damn about them.  I meant mine.  It’s torture trying to watch stupid shit.

I know that I’m supposed to love all creatures, and I’m sure that I’m threatening my chances of eternal life, but I couldn’t help but to cheer when I read this in the news this morning:

‘Jackass’ Star Knoxville Badly Hurt

AOLPosted: 2008-02-19  13:26:49Filed  Under: MovieNews, TV Shows

(Feb. 19) — ‘Jackass’ star Johnny Knoxville was badly injured during a stunt that was meant to be a tribute to Evel Knievel, and it’s what the daredevil injured that makes it even more painful.

During an attempt to learn how to do a backflip on a motorcycle, Knoxville says the stunt went terribly wrong and he suffered a major injury to his groin area.   

Perez Hilton Has the Incredible Story, Bloody Pics (Warning: Graphic)

Do guys like him think that they are invincible?  Do they ever really think about the consequences?  Do they ever really think? 

I think.  I think a lot.  I think the guy got his stage name from having the same mentality as a block of gold.

Reading the story did raise a question.  Does a major injury to the groin area mean he no longer has the balls to act like an idiot?

Tags: Life in General // Add Comment »

I hate these days.  They come about every three or four months.  Check-ups.

Ever since I started taking blood pressure meds six years ago, these check-ups are done on a regular basis. They want to make sure that the kidneys are functioning and the liver is still doing whatever it is that livers do.  The reason for that is because they are not sure how much damage the meds do.  They can tell me anything they want, but the truth is we are still the guinea pigs.  How many meds have they pulled off of the shelves ten years after they have been administered to 6 million people? 

That and given the fact there is a profit in keeping you medicated and monitored.

I hate going.  It’s not the blood work or doctors that bother me.  Heck, I donate blood on a regular basis.  And I don’t have the white coat syndrome.  In fact I don’t mind the check up and all the stuff associated with it.  The part I hate is when the Doc looks at my chart and says “I see we’re not sticking to our diet, are we?”  I hate that question.

“We” are sticking to the diet.  “We” have been depriving “ourselves” of anything delicious and tasty.  And yet, “we” are still struggling with the scales.

 I don’t get the “we” part.  Who in Hell is “we?”

So I offer him a suggestion.  I said “Maybe it’s the blood pressure medication that’s making me gain weight.  It’s the largest portion of anything I eat all day.”

He stopped what he was doing and got this real intense look on his face.  I figured he was pondering that idea.  So I asked him “Is that a possibility?”

He says “SHHH!  Did you hear that?”

“Un-unh.  What did you hear?” I asked him.

He said “SHHH!  There.  That.  I just heard it again!  Did you hear that?”

“Oh that!”  I said.  “Yeah, I heard it.  That’s just my stomach.  I haven’t taken my blood pressure meds yet today because you said I needed to fast for the blood work.  Let’s get this done so I can take the pill.  I’m starving.”

He insists that’s not what’s causing my weight problem.  He insists that my weight problem is what’s causing my blood pressure problem.  We could argue that all day.  I used to be skinny.  My older sister used to tease the Hell out me.  She would walk around telling me I was a “Skinny little Guinea with a tiny little hiney and ravioli eyes.”  What a bitch.

“I don’t think that’s it Doc.”  “I don’t think that my physical attributes are the factor.  I think that reason I have high blood pressure is that there are so many stupid things going on around me that it gets my blood pressure boiling.”

He suggested that maybe I needed a vent.  A way to help alleviate the stress.  He suggested exercise. 

So I told him about my website.  I gave him the address so that he can see for himself my way of venting.

I think the bitch-blog is helping.  For the past three months or so my friends have been telling me I look pretty good.  I‘ve been writing this blog for a little over four months.  Although I think it’s a coincidence, that is also about the same time that I changed tailors. 

But either way, I have gone down a pants size.  Almost.  They’re still a little snug.  I can get them on though if I lay on the bed and use some WD-40 and a pair of Vise-grips to get the zipper up.  But I’ve also noticed that Arizona jeans run a little small.  They’re probably manufactured in some far eastern sweat shop where the people are smaller for their size anyway.

The doctor still thinks that exercise would be a better way to go.  I’ve always been told it’s best to get a second opinion.  I’ll have to check to see who else is on my plan.

Tags: Life in General // Add Comment »

Fridays post was the result from fallout from Thurday’s post.  Today’s post is the fallout from Friday’s post.  I hope this isn’t a new trend.  I hate sagas.

The thought of doing an advice column might be not such a good idea after all.  The very first question that came to me was from a woman with an incontinence problem.  Apparently every time she read my blog she peed her pants.

She wanted to know if I could help her.  I said “depends.”  She asked “On what?”

“No” I said.  “You need Depends.  And a doctor.  Not me.  I was only looking to give social advice.”

She says “It is social.” 

That’s not the kind of advice I was talking about.  Nothing medical.  I was thinking personal problems, but not like that.  So I’m going to give up the idea before I even start.

Besides, she owes me $100.

Tags: Life in General // Add Comment »

WoW!  Yesterday’s blog must have gotten a lot of you fired up.  I didn’t mean to do that.  Well, I didn’t mean to stir up trouble.  I don’t care if you get fired up. 

I got bombarded with E-mails about how much of a great guy I am and how much of a louse their spouse was.  I even got asked advice.

OK.  Let’s get this straight.  Yes, my wife is a very lucky girl.  But really, I’m an average guy without a job who is being supported by a working wife.  I’m not “Dear TJ.”  I’m not qualified to give advice.  Oh I know I gave advice to Liz in the comments section of yesterday’s blog.  But hers is a special case.  I happen to know Liz personally and I also know her husband.  My heart goes out to this poor woman.  I know what she’s up against.  I felt compelled to help her out.

In reality, I can barely figure out how to manage my own problems.  I don’t even have a clue as to how I got this far in life.

But being so many of you are willing to put so much trust in me, I’d feel horrible if I let you down.  I might be willing to accept this challenge.  But there is of course, the matter of fees.

Abbey, Ann, Heloise, Miss Manners, Lucy, and all of the rest of the syndicated advice columnists were paid tidy sums of money for their expertise and for writing a daily column.  I write a daily column…of sorts.

But I’d be willing to work for a fraction of the thousands of dollars they make (or made) daily.

$100.  A hundred dollars per answer to a problem.  Plus a $50 additional surcharge for each piece of advice that actually worked.  

I realize that Lucy didn’t write a daily column and she only worked for 5 cents per session, but with Charlie Brown being her main client, she could easily have made a substantial living.  Besides, that was the sixties.  Inflation factors in.  Remember the BMW?

So here’s my E-mail address: TJ@whatsyerbitch.com.   Please hold off on the questions until next week.  I am setting up my PayPal account today.  Besides, I might leave this website alone and start a new one.  I’m thinking of calling the new advice site www.whosyerbitch.com

Why didn’t I think of this before?

Tags: Life in General // Add Comment »

I’ve felt that way since as far back as I can remember.  What makes me think of that today is that today is Valentine’s Day.

Pretty much every year for most of the 32 years we have been together, I have sent my wife roses for Valentine’s Day.  It’s not that she shouldn’t get them every day but at just a little over $9 a rose delivered, she’ll have to settle for getting them on special occasions.

Traveling down memory lane today reminds me of the very first dozen roses I sent to her.  I was pretty young then and was just starting out on the trail through life’s experiences.  I didn’t have the same attitude on life back then as I do now.  Like I’ve said in the past “I wasn’t born with this attitude, it was developed.”

I walked into the only florist there was in the then small town that I grew up in.  I inquired about the FTD service and sending roses to my Valentine who lived almost 70 miles away. 

“No problem!  What kind of roses do you want?  Long stem?  Medium long stem?  Extra long stem?”  the florist asked.

“I dunno” I replied.  “What’s the difference?”

“Oh!” she tells me.  “The longer the stem, the deeper your love”

“Really?!?”  I replied quizzically.  “What does it mean if we send her a whole bush?”  Without much of a reaction from the florist I just added  “If that’s what that really means, then I want to send her the longest stems you have.”

“Great!”  she says.  “The medium long stems are $15 more a dozen and the extra long stems are $25 more a dozen.”

Now this was 1976.  I don’t know what that converts to in today’s dollars.  I’m willing to venture a guess that going by the rate of inflation, I could have sent her the regular long stems and a BMW convertible. 

But none of that mattered.  I was in love.  I sent her the extra long stems.

I could not be with her that Valentine’s Day because I had to work.  There were no cell phones or pagers back then.  I was wondering all day if she had gotten the flowers and was excited when I finally was able to get home and give her a call.

“They’re beautiful” she tells me.  “I assumed that they were from you.  There was no card.”  She tells me over the phone.

“What do you mean there was no card?  I filled one out at the florist when I was there.” I said.

“Nope.  There was no card.”  She tells me.  “But I don’t care.  They’re beautiful.  Except that they were really long.  I had to cut about 8 or 10” off of the stems to get them to fit in the vase.”

No card.  No vase.  And she cut off the BMW.  You just can’t win.

See how far back my attitude started?  That little episode with the florist was just kindling for the fire of cynicism.

Even though I portray it, not everything you get dealt in life is bad.  If there is one thing in life that did go right for me…it was marrying the woman who cut off the stems. 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Tags: Life in General // 8 Comments »

A few weeks ago my wife accidently dropped her little USB wireless portable mouse she uses with her laptop.  The battery cover broke and without it the mouse wouldn’t work.  The thing has been sitting in the mail collection area of the kitchen counter staring me in the face since that day.  I finally had enough of looking at it and decided to see if Kensington had a replacement cover for it.  After all, it was a $40.00 mouse. 

After a visit to their site, I couldn’t locate anywhere where I could buy replacement parts.  I used the Tech Support link and sent them an E-mail asking how I go about buying a new battery cover.  I got the usual automatic response saying that I should get a reply within 48 hours.

Two hours later I got a response.  It wasn’t what I expected.  After they apologized for any inconvenience they may have caused, they stated that they could not sell me a replacement cover.  They would however, send me a brand new mouse at no charge.  All I had to do was to supply them with my name and shipping address.

WoW!  That was pretty good.  I broke the mouse (well, she did) and they are apologizing to me for the inconvenience.  I sent them an E-mail back with the information but also with a note that they didn’t really have to do that as it wasn’t their fault, it was mine (well, hers really) that it broke in the first place.

Most of you reading this are thinking “What are you stupid?  You’re getting the mouse that you broke (or your wife broke, rather) replaced for free!  Why look a gift-horse in the mouth?”

OK.  Here’s the deal: 1) I have no clue what a gift-horse actually even looks like.  I would gather it looks like something in the lines of a “Fiend.”  I also have no clue what one of those look like either.  I’m guessing that my wife does because when I used to smoke, she used to tell me I smoked like a “Fiend.”  So obviously, she knew what a “Fiend” looks like.  So I’m certain she knows what a gift-horse looks like.

Anyway, let me finish rationalizing why I say I should have looked the gift-horse, or gift-mouse in this case, in the mouth. 

2) The MSRP for this mouse was $39.99.  If you know me or having been following my blog, then you know I DON’T PAY RETAIL.  As a matter-of-fact, most of the time I barely pay wholesale.

The fact of the matter here is that I bought that mouse from OfficeMax, one of the most expensive places to buy anything.  But in this instance I got the mouse on sale for $29.99.  I had a ten dollar off coupon when I spent $30 or more.  So I bought a Bic pen with the mouse.  In reality, I now paid $19.99 for the mouse.  OfficeMax had a $10 rebate on the mouse.  Kensington had a $20 rebate on it.  So after backing out the sales tax and the cost of the two stamps (I can’t add in the cost of the envelopes, I got a box of those free after the rebate) I wound up getting the mouse for free and I actually made around $8 on it.

Now it’s being replaced for free after my wife broke it.  To go out and buy a new one today would be $40.  I would have gladly paid for a replacement door.  How much could that have cost?  Maybe $5 plus another three to ship it.  Even at that point Kensington and I would be even.

Please, don’t take this post as a complaint.  I’m not complaining.  I think it’s wonderful that Kensington thinks that much of its customers that they went out of their way to make one of them happy.  What a great way to strengthen customer relations.  I wouldn’t think twice before making a profit on one of their products again.

What I think I will do though is print out a copy of the E-mail that I got and bring it over to CVS and show the manager and Hobo-lady what the true meaning of Customer Service is.

Tags: Life in General // Add Comment »

A few weeks back I posted a copy of an E-mail sent to me from one of my dear friends, Lydia.  Lydia, like me, gets frustrated at the day to day nonsense that seems to go on all around us.  She sent me an E-mail with a subject the struck a nerve with me.  Since I’ve been back out job hunting, this E-mail really fit the bill quite well.  It seems to me that people who “supposed” to be professionals are anything but.

One of my biggest complaints is communication.  I used to experience this on a daily basis with people I used to work with.  They don’t respond to their E-mails and they don’t call you back.  They generally just leave you hanging but do not have a problem communicating their anger after the fact when something didn’t get done.  But in reality it was them that didn’t respond to a question that you needed an answer to.  Whew!  That was a mouthful.

Anyway, since I’ve been back in the job market, I would guesstimate that less than 10% of the people that I have spoken with have called or E-mailed me back.  I don’t have a problem with someone else getting a position that I applied for.  But a simple notification would be decent and respectful.  It would certainly be professional. 

I interviewed with a company last Thursday about a position that although was in the construction field, it was entirely out of my normal realm of work.  No big deal.  I could probably do the job.  This company called me from my posted resume from Monster or CareerBuilder. The guy I happened to interview with was the owner of the company.  A lucky shot considering the size of the company.  At the end of the interview he flat out told me that he was interested in talking to me again and that he thought that we had developed an instant rapport with each other.  He also sensed my apprehension.  He gave his business card with his cell phone number stating “You seem like an intelligent guy.  I’m certain that you will have questions that will come up.  Please call me today, tomorrow, over the weekend or next week.  I will be glad to answer them.  I think we would work well together.”

He was right, I did have questions.  And it didn’t take long to come up with them.  I wrote them down and gave him call midday on Friday.  I got his voice mail and left him a message with my phone number.  It was Friday so I really didn’t expect a call back until Monday.  On Monday, I called him again.  I got his voice mail so I called his office and left a message to have him call me back.  Nothing.

If he found another person for the job…fine.  At least have the decency to call me back and tell me to get lost.  I’d be OK with it.  

I just don’t understand how you can just neglect to return the phone call.  All of the years that I had my own business and even when I worked for others I called people back.  There were times that I dreaded making the call because I knew that the person on the other end was either not going to like what I was going to tell them or that I knew that I was going to hear an earful over something that they were unhappy about.  None of that mattered.  I had to return the call.  That’s just the way it is.

Now that I’ve rambled on as usual…HHHEEEEEERRRRRRREEEEEESSSSS Lydia!:  

Hey Tom! I want to ask how things are going but all I have to do is read your blog and my question is answered!  We don’t even have to talk anymore because I read it every day!  You should add a friends and family bitch-in section in case you should ever run out of material!

I have got a good one for you that really killed my day today.  I am trying to be a good business person and have had some ideas and leads for sales.  I had an appointment this morning that I made before Christmas.  I woke up early, rehearsed what I would say and do and packed my samples! This is with a very Elite builder who is building this posh all inclusive condo/stores/restaurants etc. complex going up
here on the 400 that is a billion dollar extravaganza! It is called the Stanberry and they are launching a large promotional party for investors, relaters etc.  They are interested in my chocolates with custom logo and flavors as appreciation gifts.   The last thing Jerry said to me this morning was stay focused, be sincere, honest and professional! 

I am always at least 10 min. early and prepared!  I rang the bell to get in at least 3 times, for 15 min, and nothing!  I went next store to the sales office, where the woman knows she just sent an investor over there 15 min ago, and explain the problem.  She says I can’t imagine where Tina is, she is not answering her phone. 

We went back over together and finally get her to come to the door after 15 or so vigorous rings!  She comes to the door and quietly says “I am so sorry but I had this unexpected visit from this investor that is friends with the builder and I cannot keep our appointment!” 

Is your finger broken?  Did your phone break?  Where is the professionalism?  No, where is the common courtesy for someone else’s time?!! 

Then she asked “Could you come back in say, 1 hour?”  I said “Yes, but could you call me if you are not done?”  She said “Well I don’t know if I could take the time to do that!”   

My question is: “What in Hell happened to professionalism???  Half of the time they don’t even remember the appointment if it is not on the same day!  What is wrong with these people?  Maybe you could find out on your blog!

Lydia 

Lyd, I wish I could.  But you don’t expect me to ask that question and have somebody return the call, do you?

Tags: Life in General // Add Comment »

It’s probably just me.  I seem to have an issue with just about everything these days.  But it just seems to me that common sense and courtesy are all but gone in the retail industry.  Stores keep changing their policies to go along with whatever the other retailers are doing for the moment.  And they seem to be hiring people right off of the street corner to enforce it.

Case in point:  Stupid as this sounds, I was in CVS last week picking up some cough drops.  On my way towards the back of the store I noticed a rack of hair trimmers.  It just so happens that I left mine in Charlotte when I was there two weeks ago.  Little by little we are furnishing the Charlotte home with everything that we have here.  At some point in time I’ll be able to go to Charlotte with nothing but the clothes on my back.  But until then I just happen to be in the market for a new trimmer.  Normally I would figure out which one I want and find it on the Internet for a fraction of what the local retailers sell it for.

But I was already in CVS and I hadn’t trimmed up in over a week. So I looked over the display and chose a Remington trimmer that I thought would do the job.  As it turned out, the trimmer isn’t really a trimmer at all.  It doesn’t trim the hair.  It just grabs hold of a bunch of it and rips it out by the roots. 

Now I will give credit where credit is due.  It does leave your skin smooth as a baby’s bottom…once the tears have dried up and the swelling and redness subside.  I’m glad nobody was home when I tried this thing out.  The blood curdling scream I let out would have given anybody within 50’ of me a heart attack.

Needless to say that this piece of junk was back in the package and on its way back to CVS within fifteen minutes.

I hate to be judgmental (although I am) but the woman behind the counter looked as if they forced her to put down her “Will work for food” sign and come in to help out with “Customer Service.”  Her hair was mess and washed not less than ten days ago.  Her blue CVS shirt had stains on the front.  Probably from sleeping on the sidewalk.  She wasn’t very attractive dressed like that but even as shallow as I am, I couldn’t help notice that she was either A) not wearing a bra or B) had her breasts tucked into her dirty black pants along with her shirt.

Being good looking should not be a job requirement (if it is, that might be why I can’t find a job.  Maybe I should become a DJ) but being clean and presentable should be.  There is no reason that anybody representing CVS should look like that.  If I was the store manager, I’d be furious and she would have been sent back to the trailer to get cleaned up. 

Whatever.

Although she looked like a bum, she was friendly and gave me a cheery “Good Morning!  How can I help you today?” 

“Well that was unusual” I thought to myself.  “I’d like to return this trimmer” I said.  She asked “Is there anything wrong with it?” 

“Yes.  It doesn’t work right.” I told her.

She looked it over and asked “Did you use it?” 

“I tried it but I don’t like it.  Why?”  I asked. 

“Oh” she said.  “You can’t return personal items that have been used.”

“I didn’t use it.  I tried to use it but it doesn’t work.  If it worked, I’d still be home using it.  I just want to return it” I explained.

“Well you can exchange it for another one if it is defective, but you can’t return used personal items” she tells me.

“Look” I said.  “This thing really is a piece of junk.  This is stupid.  I’m not going to stand here and argue with you.  If you are not going to give me refund, go get your manager.”

A few minutes later I’m staring at a guy whose hair needs to be combed and is wearing a stained blue CVS shirt that is not tucked into dirty black pants.  I’m thinking to myself “What in the world goes on in this store when there are no customers?  This guy must have been working the corner on the opposite side of the street from her.”

“What seems to be the problem?  Asked Mr. Class-act.  “Simple” I replied.  “I need to return this trimmer.  It’s a piece of garbage and doesn’t work.” 

It was obvious that he went to the same CVS college that she went to where you learn how to dress and to memorize customer service lines from a script when the first question he asked was “Did you use it?”  I gave him the same response I gave her: “I didn’t use it.  I tried it and it doesn’t work.  I just want to return it”

Script line #2: “Well you can exchange it for another one if it is defective, but you can’t return used personal items” 

“Look” I said.  “You are wearing my patience pretty thin here.  This thing is a piece of crap.  I’m not exchanging it for another piece of crap.  I am exchanging it for credit back to my American Express.  This piece of junk has a design flaw in it.  It doesn’t trim your hair, it rips it out.  Maybe you can give it to the CIA for use on terrorists.  This thing will have them talking in no time.  But you don’t get the luxury of finding that out until you take it out of the package and try it out.  It wasn’t used.  It was tried.  Once.  I didn’t try it on the other sideburn because I’m not into S&M.  Now I’m a reasonable guy.  I’d be willing to exchange it for another one.  But what we’ll do first is remove the new one from the package here in the store.  We’ll pop the batteries in and YOU can try it.  If it doesn’t rip your hair out and you don’t scream like a woman, I’ll keep it.  Sound like a good offer to you?”

He tells Hobo-lady to give me the refund.  Then he gives me a warning.  “Sir, I am going to give you your money back.  But in the future please be advised that we don’t give money back on personal use items that have been used.”

I can’t ever leave well enough alone.  It’s not my nature.  So being I need to get my opinion on the table I ended the conversation with “You do realize that that is a stupid statement.  How would you know whether or not something works right if you don’t open the package and try it out?   Do you buy merchandise and keep it when it doesn’t live up to its expectations?  I want you to explain to me what you think Satisfaction Guaranteed means.  I thought that’s what CVS’s policy said.  And while you’re at it, I also want you to show me where it’s written that it’s CVS’s policy to not return personal use items that have been used.  I’m not returning used Band-aids here.  It’s a personal grooming tool that does not work.”

Sheesh!  First I had to endure physical pain with the product, and then I had to endure mental anguish to return it.  Why couldn’t it be a simple “Yes sir.  No problem.  Can I see your receipt and your AMEX card?” 

Whatever happened to those days?

Tags: Life in General // 2 Comments »